I’ve always thought of writing as my true calling. There is so much to say about the world and so much to share about my own ideas. But more to the point, so much to share about the Divine.
But I have difficulty doing it. I have a million and one reasons why I don’t have the time to write or don’t have a good idea to write about. What stands in my way of writing on a daily basis? Or of asking the Divine, as I am so often led to do, what should I do? Just purely my own ego.
An ego that says, “I’m not good enough to write.” “Others have said it all.” “There is nothing new I really have to say.” “It’s embarrassing to share my thoughts, to be exposed.” “I’m not a good enough writer.”
Often I think of my ego as the power that keeps me safe. It guards me from others by helping me protect my space. But in the world of the Divine, ego is just the way I separate myself from feeling the energy of oneness that connects us all. My ego, which has its own legitimate needs, will block me from sharing the reality of who I am.
I know with certainty that my ego will definitely show itself when it’s needed but then it just keeps going. I become overrun with my own thoughts growing wild like the weedy vine that takes over my backyard fence, choking the best of my fragile and beautiful flowers.
I’ve been working for years to remove that barrier. Slowly and painstakingly, I identify what my ego is saying and meticulously shave and melt the ice block that covers my true and loving self. Believe me, it’s a lot of work. Everyday.
But I’m so clear that my ego is an obstacle to my best self. My ego prevents me from really being there for another, from seeing another’s viewpoint, from being able to be there fully without fear of losing myself. My ego prevents me from learning because I am afraid to show what I don’t know. My ego stops me from being fully held by the Divine because I am “not worthy” of unconditional love.
In one of my most favorite quotes, Marianne Williamson writes about how we are blocked by our ego. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles)
For me the truth is, I can’t afford to be stopped and blocked by myself any longer. I am living with cancer. And I don’t have any time to waste. I have to risk being my best self, everyday. For my life to be its most meaningful, I don’t have a choice. And so for today, I’m writing.